When You're 20...

As a young girl
a typical conversation with Julia
was usually about the future.
She was always wanting to know
what was up ahead.
Surprises were not in her wheelhouse.

One day she asked,
"What will you do when I am 20?"
Before I could get out a response
she and Kathryn interrupted me and
declared how old everyone else
would be at that time.
"I'll be 20," Julia proclaimed.
"I'll be 22 when you're 20," Kathryn quickly added
making sure we knew she was the oldest.
Then we spent time talking about
the energetic toddler running around
and what she'd be like at 14.
Of course we also had to ooooo and ahhhh
over the fact that when Julia was 20
I would be 50...
"That's so old!' everyone quickly agreed

Those conversations seem
like they were yesterday
and yet seem so long ago.
I remember thinking...
what WILL I do when you are 20?
What will life be like?
What will I be doing?
Where will you be?
Well Jules, I finally have an answer.

When you are 20...
I will be learning just how incredible you really are
I will be learning about how
brave
loyal
loving
faithful
strong
and funny... so so funny you are.

I will see that despite the
struggles
despite the trials
you will cling to what you know
you will work to persevere
you will find joy
you will be a light in the darkness
and bring hope to my tired soul.

When you're 20
I will, hands down, know
that I am forever grateful
that in the toughest year of my life
you stayed.
In my hardest days
you supported me
In my loneliest days
you made me feel loved.

When you're 20
I will not stop
reminding myself
that this little girl
who hardly spoke,
who rarely took a risk
now leads worship
lives with strength
and is traveling around the globe!
Mr. Hessee would be proud, no doubt!

What will I do when you are 20?
I will still be learning and growing
about what it means to be your Mom.
I will be amazed at how much you teach me.
I will be astounded at how much wisdom oozes from your soul.

When you're 20
I will thank Jesus
over and over
that I get to be
your Mom
that He has allowed me to
have a front row seat
in watching you grow
from an awkwardly shy little girl
into a bold, friendly and loving woman.

When you're 20
I will be amazed at your beauty
be overwhelmed by your talent
be impressed with your wit
and take credit for your ability to
rap and drop a rhyme like no one's business.

When you're 20
I will be humbled that out of everyone
in the entire planet
I get to be your Mom.
I will wonder
How did you become so beautiful?
How did you get to be so talented?
How did you evolve into this
person with whom
I enjoy being around
I admire greatly
and I esteem highly?

When you're 20
I will be thanking Jesus
praising God
that He has seen fit
to mold you
shape you
and fit you
for His purpose.
His calling on your life
is unique
is powerful
is amazing.

Happy Birthday Ju-Gee!
You're 20
(Yes, Kathryn we know YOU'RE 22!!)
You're amazing
You're beautiful
You're called
You're MADE FOR THIS.
20.
It's going to be grand!

Advent: Hurry up Be Still

Advent
Christmas is coming
a paradox of feelings
creating an internal tug

We are eager to get it started
Yet frazzled when it begins

We become sentimental
But at times feel detached

Our calendar is filled
Yet we still feel alone

We long to grasp the deeper meaning
But become exhausted, disheartened, and drained

At times we are even
lulled to contentment
with candles, carols and tasty treats
We relax in the warmth
of predictable traditions and
in the reciprocity
and feelings of goodwill.
We miss out on what
is the purpose of Christmas.

Advent
Christmas is coming
We are to be
waiting for
watchful
longing
anticipating
not just a fleeting thought
of a manger scene
which could never
explain the Christmas message

Rather
It is thinking on what
we will do
because of a love
that came down
like a bright fire
whose light
chases away the darkness
and floods
every nook and cranny
with such intensity
that darkness is defeated

This compels us to think
beyond the traditions
and to think more deeply about
Who we are in Him

Advent: Christmas Is Coming

Amazed at how 
beautifully
and perfectly 
I am loved. 
.
I am loved
despite my imperfection
despite my mistakes
.
I am loved
Not because of anything
I’ve done
didn’t do
or will ever do
.
I am loved
because a babe
wrapped in a manger
was born
as Savior of the world.
.
I am loved
I am blessed
I am called
I am healed
I am whole
I am saved in Jesus' name.
.
His love
amazes me
wrecks me
and makes me
the receiver of
the best gift ever...
Eternal Life

#advent2018
#christmasiscoming

Be Thankful

When we tune our hearts

to thankfulness 

Something happens

Something changes

And rearranges 

The place in our hearts 

Where sometimes we allow 

Worry

Anger

Resentment

Fear

And doubt to reside.

So, be thankful.

Thankful for 

Little things

Big things

In the moment things 

aiming

trying

putting our

best effort forward 

determined 

To be thankful—

For all things

Be thankful for the days

When all things go right

When you’re running late

but are still on time

When the lines are short

And the lost keys are found

For meals shared

And when peace

flows effortlessly 

from your home.

Be thankful for coffee 

And days that aren’t rushed 

Deadlines that are made

And mornings that are

easy 

and cheerful.

Be thankful for days

that include 

Moms and dads 

Brothers and sisters 

and friends

Who hold you 

when you’re hurting 

And love you in your mess.

Be thankful 

For to do lists that get done

For food in your fridge

Warm beds 

And lazy evenings

with nothing to do

Be thankful in 

all of the simple moments 

The sunsets

The rain showers

The sight of newly fallen snow

That display the work 

of our creator 

Be thankful for the days

That are hard

Where joy is a choice

And struggles are real.

When all hope seems lost

When the phone call comes 

And life delivers

the news you were dreading 

the rejection you were fearing; 

When jobs are lost

Relationships are broken

When the times

are dark and

loneliness is our friend 

And our only hope is found 

When we fall on our knees

And beg God

For help

For relief

It’s during those times

we can still be thankful.

Because He who

Has begun a good work 

Is not finished

He sees all 

He knows all 

His strength is 

made perfect 

in our weakness

For the 

Little things

Big things

In the moment things

For all things

be thankful—

Bright Hope for Tomorrow

This post has been brewing
stirring
welling up
inside of me
for some time now.

Why has it taken me so long?
What am I waiting for?
Why am I afraid?

My resistance
creates a tug of war
with my words
with my being
with who I am
with how I've changed

My resistance 

creates a tug of war

with who knows
with who doesn't know
with who knows and is excited
with who knows and is still awkward
with who knows and have pushed me away

My resistance 

creates a tug of war

because I am healing

yet some never knew I was hurting.

because I want to protect people

yet I know I will still hurt some

because I want to be authentic
yet still feel the need hide

I have a resistance;

But waiting means
I can't move forward
I can't continue to heal
I can't be authentic
I can't truly share
the amazing things
that have taken place
in my life
with my heart.

These are things
that have taken
long hours
long days
long weeks
long months

They've consumed
my days
my nights
my thoughts
my heart

I've never
cried so much
prayed so much
nor sat in so much silence
trying to sort everything out

I am at a place
a crossroads
a turning point
where I can no longer
allow the resistance.

I choose to be authentic
I choose to be real
I choose to let you know

the real me

700 days ago
I left
 shortly after
I was divorced.

Just typing it
brings me pain
At times it makes me
feel like I've failed
gave up too soon
and that my turn is up.

Some of you know
Some of you don't
It's not what I wanted
but it's where I am at

Some will judge
And say I needed
 to try harder
Some will plead
And ask me to stay
Because that’s what’s right
Some after listening
will work hard to understand
and others will just
simply
turn
away

But in everything
 I choose to
put my roots in truth
and rest in the One
in Whom I belong
Resist the lies
and cling to what I know

It means I have to
allow people in
to know my mess
and not fear
rejection
loss and
judgement


In all this
sadness
despair
and total loss
God has seen fit to
bring redemption
bring restoration &
and allow me to
know him
like never before.

It has been
raw
messy and
sometimes lonely.
But He has been
faithful
powerful and
Has never been
caught off guard

He has blessed me
with a gift
a friend
someone
who loves me
who challenges me
who laughs with me
who believes in me
who listens to me
      when I need to speak
who speaks to me
      when I need to listen
who has taught me to dream
who brings me hope
who directs me to Christ
who is not hidden
and who makes me feel
beautiful
smart
funny
and valued.

It has been
Just shy of
365 days that
I've known this friend.

What started as
A simple interaction
Led to a
casual friendship
was seasoned with
genuineness
intention
& connectedness.

It has grown
into something
beautiful &
God centered.


It has planted
a seed of hope
that God isn't finished
with me yet.

I am not hidden
I am not ashmed
I am not done.

I am still growing

I am still learning

I am still changing

I am not perfect

I am not a failure
I will not be defined by my past

My life can still be

powerful

amazing 

and filled with promise.

So, that post?

it's coming

it's here 

it just happened.

Happy (almost) Friendaversary Tim!