Bright Hope for Tomorrow

This post has been brewing
stirring
welling up
inside of me
for some time now.

Why has it taken me so long?
What am I waiting for?
Why am I afraid?

My resistance
creates a tug of war
with my words
with my being
with who I am
with how I've changed

My resistance 

creates a tug of war

with who knows
with who doesn't know
with who knows and is excited
with who knows and is still awkward
with who knows and have pushed me away

My resistance 

creates a tug of war

because I am healing

yet some never knew I was hurting.

because I want to protect people

yet I know I will still hurt some

because I want to be authentic
yet still feel the need hide

I have a resistance;

But waiting means
I can't move forward
I can't continue to heal
I can't be authentic
I can't truly share
the amazing things
that have taken place
in my life
with my heart.

These are things
that have taken
long hours
long days
long weeks
long months

They've consumed
my days
my nights
my thoughts
my heart

I've never
cried so much
prayed so much
nor sat in so much silence
trying to sort everything out

I am at a place
a crossroads
a turning point
where I can no longer
allow the resistance.

I choose to be authentic
I choose to be real
I choose to let you know

the real me

700 days ago
I left
 shortly after
I was divorced.

Just typing it
brings me pain
At times it makes me
feel like I've failed
gave up too soon
and that my turn is up.

Some of you know
Some of you don't
It's not what I wanted
but it's where I am at

Some will judge
And say I needed
 to try harder
Some will plead
And ask me to stay
Because that’s what’s right
Some after listening
will work hard to understand
and others will just
simply
turn
away

But in everything
 I choose to
put my roots in truth
and rest in the One
in Whom I belong
Resist the lies
and cling to what I know

It means I have to
allow people in
to know my mess
and not fear
rejection
loss and
judgement


In all this
sadness
despair
and total loss
God has seen fit to
bring redemption
bring restoration &
and allow me to
know him
like never before.

It has been
raw
messy and
sometimes lonely.
But He has been
faithful
powerful and
Has never been
caught off guard

He has blessed me
with a gift
a friend
someone
who loves me
who challenges me
who laughs with me
who believes in me
who listens to me
      when I need to speak
who speaks to me
      when I need to listen
who has taught me to dream
who brings me hope
who directs me to Christ
who is not hidden
and who makes me feel
beautiful
smart
funny
and valued.

It has been
Just shy of
365 days that
I've known this friend.

What started as
A simple interaction
Led to a
casual friendship
was seasoned with
genuineness
intention
& connectedness.

It has grown
into something
beautiful &
God centered.


It has planted
a seed of hope
that God isn't finished
with me yet.

I am not hidden
I am not ashmed
I am not done.

I am still growing

I am still learning

I am still changing

I am not perfect

I am not a failure
I will not be defined by my past

My life can still be

powerful

amazing 

and filled with promise.

So, that post?

it's coming

it's here 

it just happened.

Happy (almost) Friendaversary Tim!